How many women does it take to paint a wall?...
It depends on how hard you throw them.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a
set of golf
clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?...
The dog, of course . . . at least he'll shut up after
you let him in!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?...
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes
cars
run 95% quieter?...Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring,
wedding ring and suffering
Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
How do you know when a women's about to say something
smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up
pressure.
What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen
to
whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that just...won't...do...what...she's...told!
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
the
hallway light on.
Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat
off...
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't
like
to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...
and some mornings I just let her sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's
sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.