The Internet

For those of you unfamiliar, America Online has adopted some new policies. Here are some of their new reminder messages which pop up frequently -depending on you level of use.

1. You have been online for 46 minutes.  Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.
2. You have been online for 92 minutes?  Do you still want to stay online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.
3. You have been online for 135 minutes?  Not to put any pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.
4. You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right?  When was the last time that you were outside?
5. Ok, this is getting ridiculous!  You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off.  If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, ok?
6. You have now been online for 360 minutes.  We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and go read a good book?
7. You have been online for 467 minutes.  Do you remember your family members' names?
8. You have been online for 513 minutes.  Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving.  Do you wish to remain online?
9. You have been online for 724 minutes.  Steve Case is coming over to personally kick your butt.
10. You have been online for 852 minutes.  Do you have ANY idea how many HOURS that is?
11. You have been online for 921 minutes.  Do you realize that America Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding busy phone lines.  That is because of YOU.!  Now log off and go to bed!!
12. You have been online for 1000 minutes.  When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally.  Now hang up!!!!!
13. You have been online since yesterday.  If you don't log off, we are coming over to your house and pulling your whole phone out of the wall!!  Thank you for being an AOL member. We appreciate your business.

VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!!

Dear Internet user,

It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0, has been propagating on the Net for several weeks now. MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus (mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as well.) This virus is one of the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public!

INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible effects on infected computers:

   * It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE, space which could otherwise be used for productive applications.
   * It causes the infected computer's performance to be DRASTICALLY  REDUCED Pentium machines which are stricken are known to slow down to the speed of a 486.
   * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating system, causing the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to change RADICALLY.
   * It, through the use of Trojan like ALTERATIONS to the core Java APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION. These effects are so SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun Microsystems, are taking LEGAL ACTION against the inventors of this terrible virus.
   * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the average user to remove from the system.
   * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow unknown users to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive.
   * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet browsers, such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR, to not function correctly.
   * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers coming from reputable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL. These companies have so far been POWERLESS to prevent this virus from being installed on the computers they sell.
   * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus checking software packages.

The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently investigating therogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive virus. They have been traced to a Seattle suburb, and may face fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the pernicious manner in which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is that millions of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of this virus even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on their web site!

Here's what YOU can do:

1) If you see a web site with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do **NOT** click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be DOWNLOADED and INSTALLED on your system!

2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a Windows based PC, call the technical support hotline at Microsoft (the company which wrote Windows), and ask them for instructions on how to DISABLE and REMOVE this virus. They should have instructions to do so.

I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK TOGETHER can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus be slowed or stopped.

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Well hung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Well hung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Well hung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Well hung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Well hung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Well hung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Well hung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Well hung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Well hung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Well hung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Well hung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Well hung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Well hung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Well hung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Well hung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Well hung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Well hung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Well hung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Well hung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Well hung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Well hung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Well hung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Well hung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Well hung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Well hung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Well hung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Well hung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Well hung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Well hung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Well hung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Well hung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Well hung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Well hung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Well hung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Well hung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Well hung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Well hung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Well hung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: [logged off]
 
 

1.  Home is where you hang your @.
2.  The E-mail of the species is more deadly than  the mail.
3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5.  Great groups from little icons grow.
6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7.  C:\ is the root of all directories.
8.  Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the Earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease   (ed. oh sure...).
18. In Gates we trust    (ed.  yeah right....).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

1  Tech support calls "YOU" for help
2 Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud
3 you find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile
4 You  have called out  someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
5 You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out "
6 Three words :Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
7 I you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is to  IM her
8 If you are female and you see a male in the "Real " world that you
wish to meet your fist thought is that you wish  he'd IM you
9 You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since
the "real world is at your fingertips.
10 You have to get a 2nd phone line so you can call Pizza Hut
11 When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases
12 You walk into a room. and finding that it has more than 23 people,
you inform management that there is a error
13 When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you
14 You go up to people you are attracted to in "real life " and ask them
for their GIF
15 Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely
jealous of people hitting on your cyber love.
16 You don't even know what your cyber love looks like
17 When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should
be capitalized
18 You watch TV with the closed captioning on
19 Your spouse now complains of you moving   you fingers in your sleep
instead of talking
20 Your kids are eating cereal morning noon & night
21 When someone says "What did you say ? you reply "Scroll up "
22 You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep
.23 You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on line again.
24 You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your
own spouse
25 You find yourself lying to others about your time on line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
 26 You have an identity crisis someone is using a screen name close to
your own
27 You would rather tell people that your blood shot eyes are from partying
too  much than the truth ( on line all night)
28 You change your screen name so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are
29 You go into labour and you stop to type a special eMail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling
30 You  marry your cyber friend girl friend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room
31 You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time
32 You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have
committed them yourself
33 Your dog leaves you
34 You are doing things more & more that you swore you would never do
when you first got on line
35 You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy line
36 You have a map on the wall w/lots of red thumbtacks to mark where
people are you have met
37 You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button
38 You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer
39 Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perve"
40 You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours
41 Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
42 You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get
this one..if so you've been hanging out in *strange places* )
43 You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on line before you have your 1st cup of coffee
44 You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake
45 You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen
46 You wait 6 hours on line for a certain "special " person to come home from work
47 You don't know where the time has gone
48 You end sentences wit 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand
49 Your relationship on line has gone farther than any real one you have had
50 You get up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead
51 You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
52 You enter a room & 23 people greet you with [hugs] or ** kisses **
53 You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl dunno, and lemme
54 Your voice mail answering machine message is "BRB" leave you s/n & I
will TTYL"
55 you type faster than you think
56 You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office
57 You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa
58 You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted
59 You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie
60 People say " if it weren't for you super reflexes in your eyes & fingers
you would have been classified as a vegetable
61 You dream in "text"
62 Being called a Newbie is "MAJOR" insult
63 there is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored
64 You don't want to leave in case you miss something
65 you double click your TV remote
66 You can now type over 70 wpm
67 You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL junkies

 *A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
 * Privately operated bridges, overpasses, and intersections.
 * Each lane's highway patrol has no jurisdiction in any other lane.
 * A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles.
 * 500-member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons.
 * No signs.
 * Lost?  Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions.
 * Ad Hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single - occupant - vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00.
 * Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for using a car phone.
 * Spammers would be giant diesel-smoking buses with hundreds of ebola   victims throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars.
 * Most cars have been assembled at home from kits.
 * Some are 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of 9 mph.
Others burn nitroglycerine and idle at 120.
 * No license tags.
 * 237 onramps at every intersection.
 * No Offramps.  Just cliffs.
 

Parents always tell their children how rough they had it when they were kids. How will we tell the next generation about our early days on the Net?

1. We were so poor, we had to read our email by candlelight.
2. Our town was so small, the electronic superhighway was a Japanese transistor radio.
3. Times were very tough for us. We could only afford "Internet-in- a-Bag."  And we were grateful!
4. We were at such a remote site, our hardwiring was battery jumper cables connected to a CB radio.
5. Our gopher had fur.
6. Our connection was so slow, it took weeks to upload every new Yanoff's guide, which was out of date faster than we got it.
7. Our web site was in the top left corner of the kitchen cupboard, but at least it caught most of the flies.
8. "FIDO" was what chewed the cables.
9. "Prodigy" was the Sears Catalogue Outlet in town.
10. We were so poor, our IRC host was Mrs. Finebaum, the switchboard operator.

Well when:

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "John Doe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".

? You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
? Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
? You check your mail. It says NO NEW MESSAGES. So you check it again
? Your phone bill is delivered in a box
? You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
? All of your friends have an @ in their names
? You tell the cab driver you live at ttp://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
? You tell the kids they can't use the computer because their Daddy's got work to do (and you don't have a job).
? You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with NETSCAPE 3.01"
? You never have to deal with busy signals because you never log off
? You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet
? You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :-)
? Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat
? As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the 'back' button
? Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. - And You Succeed.!

THE 9 TYPES OF WEB PAGE CREATORS

   Joe/Jane Average College Student

Traits : Owner of a new university supplied computer account with http access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references to beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college buddies (high school, if freshman Student).

The Good News : They don't know how to get their page linked to the outside world, so only they and their friends download their 16.7-million- color pictures from the last party.

The Bad News : They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color pictures might be on your server.

   Mr. "Enhanced For Netscape"

Traits : The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo and a link to an ftp site where you can download Netscape <BLINK>NOW!</BLINK>. The first thing you see is about 80 different <TITLE>s scrolling back and forth across your screen.

The Good News : You won't have to look at their pages for long, because there won't be much there to see.

The Bad News : Half of the rest of the people who look at their pages are going to think "Hey, that's cool!" and copy the source.

   The old-timer

Traits : Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few attribute tags. Normal-text-size message at top says "This page not enhanced for Netscape. Cope, whipper-snapper."

The Good News : He's likely there because he has something of importance to say.

The Bad News : Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too technical for you.

   The 5-Year-Old

Traits : Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More data about the daily life of a kindergartner than you thought possible. Cute "kiddy talk" dialect to the text. <ADDRESS> contains the note "such-and-such's mother helped her build this page."

The Good News : The first few of these you see give you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

The Bad News : The last few dozen of these you see all look the same.

   The Computer Science Major

Traits : Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme music and DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements. Picture of Darth Vader instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0 (Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom of her page.

The Good News : If you're a geek, you'll find what you're looking for here. Even if you're not, you'll like the page design.

The Bad News : Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities. Unfortunate tendency to upload specs of their home PC.

   The Businessman

Traits : Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice, clean, image map. Unfortunately, there are no text links for those using Lynx.

The Good News : You won't go blind staring at his pages.

The Bad News : You might wish you had once you see the prices of the goods/services he's offering.

   The Newbie

Traits : Very little created text on their pages, it's almost all links to other people's pages. Missing right brackets in <A HREF>s kill whole lines of information. Several image files are not able to be loaded. <CENTER>.

The Good News : They'll almost have to get better.

The Bad News : They just might not.

   The Egotist

Traits : Large image of themselves greets you when page is loading.1/2 Meg .au file of him chatting with his dog. Access counts shown for every page. Several lengthy pages devoted to his compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection. More personal details than you'd ever want to know.

The Good News : There isn't any.

The Bad News : Frequently friendly with Mr. "Enhanced for Netscape."

   The Maniac

Traits : Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html directory and 100+ CGI scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known as a "Close Personal Friend of Bob [Allison]." Thinks the people at Yahoo! "don't keep up with the Web fast enough." Will be the first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his brain.

The Good News : You could go through all his pages and never find an error.

The Bad News : You'd never make it through all his pages.